©  Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

Is that heresy to say that there is no such thing as balance? Some would scream so…but, they may be just a little reactive.  So, just to put “them” at rest, let me say right off that top that balance is a good idea. But….

We can only hold onto it for a few moments.  The truth is we are never balanced, or even, in balance. What there is, if we are realistic and understanding that perfection will always elude us, is balancing.  We are always balancing. It is a dynamic process, not static. It’s a journey, not a destination. You get the picture.

Wanting to pay attention to creating a balanced life is absolutely admirable. I hope every one of us has that as a top priority. We spend quite a bit of time in our book, Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up, talking about the nine arenas of attention in life that need consideration in order to approach a sense of feeling balanced…even for a short while. So, although it might have sounded initially like heresy, I hope you’re breathing easier now!

As a psychologist and a seminar and keynote presenter for more than twenty-five years, I can say with some confidence that the one thing that many women do not give themselves is their own attention. They are so busy taking care of others–or, at least, the feelings and opinions of others–that they put themselves at the bottom of their list.  And, I’ll also tell you, that although they ‘fess us to that being true during the class, most have sunk to the bottom of their lists in a week or less following the seminar, too.  It’s a VERY bad habit, not according yourself the same time and attention you offer others in life. I’ve known women who speak to the checkout person in the supermarket better, with more care, consideration and thoughtfulness, than they speak to themselves internally!

So, balancing….how are you doing?  Would you share a tip or two that keep you on an even keel? Just offer them in the comments area below this blog entry.

To Your Success!
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Consultant. Coach. Counselor. Catalyst.
…leading you to the life & livelihood that fulfills you & serves the life of the world

http://ForWomenEntrepreneurs.com
http://SoulWiseWays.com

If you’d like to send me an email directly, do so:  RS@SoulWiseWays.com

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© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

Do you ever feel over-compromised in your relationships?

Like you’ve given in, given over, and maybe even given up?

If you’ve ever said these words, you’re there.“IT’S NOT WORTH THE HASSLE!!!”

Those are complaints I hear often from my relationship coaching clients who are searching for the keys to having the relationship they long for, but haven’t yet experienced.

We are told over and over that every relationship involves a certain amount of compromise. And, it’s true. There is very little value in arguing over whose movie gets chosen every single time. There’s a logical place to compromise. The problem is that many folks live with constant feelings of giving in, giving over and have simply given up. And, there are cures!

Unfortunately, there is no magic, though. Relationship begins with you, not the other person. If I had a hundred dollars for each couple who say they want to improve their relationship and have come into my office or to a coaching call with this attitude, I’d be delighted:

“If only you could teach her/him ______________, our relationship would be great.”

Now, those couples seldom say that out loud. They really believe that if I could just fix their partners all problems would disappear. They come in hoping that I’ll simply take the back off their partner, make a few adjustments, and all will be heavenly. Those unspoken agendas and secret fantasies need great consideration…because you may them and never even make it to my office or telephone. You simply delude yourself with the idea that it’s your partner’s issues that make the relationship difficult.

Relationship starts with knowing who you are, AND, who you are in relationship. Examining that and how it came to be true is an essential beginning point. In the four-week SoulWise Loving class, we work on ourselves in new ways for the first two weeks. Big surprise to many folks, cuz they came to find out the secrets of fixing their partner!!

Compromise is only one of five major ways to manage conflict. And, conflict is not a four-letter word. It simply means a difference of opinion, style or point-of-view. Learning how to manage conflict effectively and productively is key for everyone, in every relationship. It goes hand-in-hand with also learning to communicate and negotiate skillfully–both also learned skills.

Where did you learn to manage conflict? If you are like most people, it was learned by watching others. That spectrum runs between screaming, yelling and serving up ultimatums to acquiesing, backing down and avoiding confrontation at all costs. None of those strategies are wise or productive. You’ve likely noticed that.

If you find yourself compromising more than is comfortable, take the time to ask yourself why you do that. If you think you’re just seeking peace, examine that. Peace is great, but, if it begins to be accompanied by resentment, you need another strategy.

You need to know who you are and what you value, believe, and desire. Peace at all cost is not likely it. That will lead you to over-compromising. That is simply under-valuing yourself. If this is a description of your relationship, you are not headed towards SoulWise Loving.

SoulWise Loving begins in Soul Solitude. When we wrote that book, Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up, we gave you guidelines, reasons and principles for taking time for your soul to catch up. That’s the starting point to have the most glorious life possible. You deserve it.

Overcome over-compromising now.

I wish you well.
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Consultant. Coach. Counselor. Catalyst..
Founder, SoulWise Ways
www.SoulWiseWays.com
Dr. Shaler coaches couples to develop soul-to-soul relationships.  Contact her directly at RS@SoulWiseWays.com to schedule a consultation.

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